What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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