I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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