I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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