two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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