Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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