Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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