I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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