My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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