Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
