I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize