I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
