Betty ford says i'm here all night
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
