The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
