What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
