There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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