How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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