Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
