I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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