Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
