dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
