Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
