I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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