how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
