Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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