There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
