you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
