I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
