Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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