You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
