...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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