She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
