Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
