you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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