Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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