I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
