Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
