mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
