she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
