it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Pooping to opera.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
