I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
