i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
