we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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