what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
