they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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