I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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