I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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