I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
