I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
