Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I need a beard to bite.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
