So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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