My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
