she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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